Wallflowers are pretty, too...

Have you ever felt so completely out of place that it made you want to cry?

Have you ever been the only one in the group to not receive a compliment on your appearance?

Have you ever been that one girl whose dress came down to her knees and actually had sleeves?

That was me the other night.

I already know that I'm not the most beautiful thing to grace the surface of the earth. I know that I'm quite honestly not that pretty by American standards: I'm "plus-sized," I don't have much of a chest, I refuse to fry my hair to get it perfectly coiffed, I don't wear three tons of makeup, and I'm not too keen on the latest styles and trends (especially the whole leggings as pants thing, but that's a whole other topic). I've slowly decided that the only redeeming quality I possess is my eye color.

Basically, I'm not the American beauty. Never have been. Never will be. And I've known that for a long time now.

So why does it still bother me when I have to go out with a group of "normal" people? Why do I still feel the need to compare myself with those around me? It's a curse of the human mind, and I absolutely hate it.

Here I was, in Buenos Aires, Argentina, about to go to a professional tango show and have a wonderful night, and I was worried about how I looked compared to other people.

I slowly realized reasons as to why I can't compare myself to other people, starting with the things that really shouldn't matter (such as how a size 16 can't compare to a size 2...) and ending where it should have started: God's love.

God honestly doesn't care what I look like or how big I am. He doesn't care if my hair is frizzy or my face is broken out. He loves me anyways, so much so that He thinks I'm worth dying for! He loves me enough to want to spend eternity with me. He loves me so much that nothing in this world is big enough to separate me from His love. And I'm worried about what the girls down the hall think?

In the big picture, physical appearance really doesn't bear much weight at all, does it?

I'd like to say that I'm never going to worry about what I see in the mirror again, but the reality is this struggle isn't over. Because I'm human. It's one of those things that I have to daily crucify in order to focus more and more on Jesus every single moment of my life.

No, I'm not going to be a slob. I'm not going to stop wearing makeup completely and never comb my hair in an effort to completely divorce myself from the stigma of society. That's just kinda stupid.

What I am going to do, though, is stop comparing myself to those around me: the styles they wear, their personal expectations of beauty, their opinions about what I should be doing. They don't matter. Yes, if I ask for your opinion about how I look, I want a genuine response. But I'm going to attempt to let myself get continuously bogged down by the comparisons that my own mind loves to make.

I'm a wallflower. I'm not really much to look at. But I'm pretty, too, in my own special way...because God loves me. I'm His princess, and He never lets me forget it.

Let the travelogue begin...

Though I had previously only posted on this blog very sporadically, I feel like now of all times, when something amazing is actually happening in my life, would be the time to insert small bits of reflections into this blog, my technological memory.

As previously stated, I'm in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I honestly don't think it's completely sunk in yet. My friends and family are on the other side of the equator. Wow. The thought kind of makes me feel like I'm standing upside down or something...

I've realized in the last 24 hours that the most valuable lessons that I will learn on this trip will not be in the classroom (even though I have already learned so much from our professor Amalia). The life experience that I gain here will be invaluable to me in the future.

It seems strange to say it, but I really don't feel like I'm away from home. Perhaps traveling is in my DNA. Perhaps Buenos Aires is just awesome like that. Or perhaps I just have the peace of God in knowing that I'm still under His watchful eye. Whatever the reason, I don't feel guilty or bad when I stumble through my words or have to repeat and explain myself in my second language. It's a growing process, but I'm enjoying it greatly!

I think, if anything, this month and all of its new experiences will help me to determine my next steps after graduation in May 2011, whether to teach English in a foreign country or go to grad school in the US. If I adapt well, teaching English is looking more and more like a viable possibility that I would absolutely love (though I don't look forward to all the "I told you she was gonna be an English teacher" comments).

So far, so good.

Musings of a Wide-Eyed Traveler

Yesterday I said goodbye to the green corn fields, abundant Queen Anne's lace and humid sunny afternoons of Tennessee. I crossed paths with the setting sun in Atlanta, Georgia, and when we met again, I was landing in South America.

I write to you tonight from a hotel in Buenos Aires, Argentina, where I and 24 other Lee students will be living and studying for the next month.

The city is very much different from what I am used to, but it vaguely reminds me of Nashville. Keyword: vaguely.

There are trees lining the streets, and many of the apartment balconies are also bejeweled with green vines and flowers. It's slowly changing to winter here, so the leaves outside my window are all turning shades of brilliant orange. In spite of being a city of 13 million people, there is so much in the way of grass and plantlife. It makes the human life surrounding me seem that much more vibrant!

Much of the architecture has a very European style reflected in it; some of the buildings are quite gorgeous, albeit they are also quite tight fitting in the streets.

Speaking of streets, they all seem to be one-way. And there are no lines painted to differentiate the different lanes. I asked one of the guys from the seminary if that was the case all over the city, and he assures me it's not, but still...needless to say, I'm thankful to not be driving here!

I've seen beautiful buildings carved to perfection with Baroque-style ornamentation. But I've also seen homeless people curled up in the doorways of those buildings trying to get a good night's sleep.

I've seen opulent shops with the trendiest fashions from all over the world. But I've also noticed the street vendors who are probably just scratching out a living selling their wares on la Calle Florida.

Yes, traveling is wonderful, but it also makes me reflect on how blessed I am to be an American, to have grown up in a small town with a nurturing family, to know that I don't have to worry about my next meal or what happens if I get a hole in my shoes. It's nice.

And it makes me so thankful for the things that I've been given. May I soon be at a place in life where I am able to give back and provide even just some of those opportunities to others.