Recently, I had two very perplexing dreams that caused me to pause and ponder the nature of dreams and what we can really gain from them.
I know that dreams are (thought to be) outlets through which our brains process information that is daily crammed into our minds. Each tiny detail of every day is recorded, and sleep is a time to file away in an organized manner the memories and cues that have been acquired during our daily rituals and experiences. Sometimes, though, I think we can learn an abundance from the dreams that are a result of the filing system that God designed for each of our unique brains. Our dreams are a way for our brains to get our attention, to take a situation and put it in terms that grab our attention and spell out what is really going on when perhaps we don't want to admit it.
For example, over the course of two nights in the past week, I had two very strange dreams that separately make entirely no sense. In the first, I was outdoors with my family when I startled a snake who had coiled up with a garden hose in the yard. The snake then proceeded to chase me and bite me. When I tried to get help at the local hospital, I was simply handed a stack of paperwork and told that they'd get to me eventually.
The second dream was more bizarre: I was working in a show with a group of blue aliens (yes, I blame Avatar for this). Suddenly, my father (not my actual dad; I seriously felt like I was in a movie) grabs me up and we start running for our lives. I figure out as the dream unfolds that apparently my father in the dream is an alien who had learned to morph into human form, thereby making me half alien. That did not make the traditional aliens very happy. I could never tell if they wanted to kill me or study me, but either way, I did not think it would be a great experience.
After that second dream, I began to wonder if consuming sugar right before bedtime was the culprit of the strangeness of my dreams (but that's a different story). I couldn't get the imagery out of my head, and finally a commonality in the two dreams presented itself to me. In both, I was running from something of which I am deathly afraid (yes, I am afraid of aliens. As a child, I was terrified of ET. True story).
I started trying to apply that to the actual events of my life and realized that, once again, my subconscience was right. For the past month, I have been so afraid of what the future holds for me: finishing undergrad in only three more semesters, grad school possibilities, career possibilities, where to go, who to see, friends to gain and lose, just an overall anxiety about what was going to happen.
I'm not always an anxious person, but every once in a while I do freak out. It's like that feeling I get when I'm floating; I'm calm and enjoying the water, then suddenly every nerve in my body jumps to attention because relying on water for stability just doesn't make sense. I literally lose the ability to float simply because my body doesn't trust the water.
In life, it's basically the same thing with God. I need to rely totally on His plan for my life, but occasionally I start to overthink things and realize that there are way too many blank holes in the plan for it to be feasibly trusted. Every neuron fires in revolt of following such an incomplete plan and I have a viable mutiny between my brain and my faith. (Sometimes being an intellectual really has its downfalls. Childlike faith becomes a true task to achieve.)
In times like that I have to literally just stop and listen to God call to me as He did to Israel in Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God."
I've been reading lately about God's promise to us and how we are children of promise and not children of the law (see Galatians for Paul's explanation on the thought). Though Paul was talking about the Hebrew law, I began to reflect on how that writing applies to us today. We as Christians no longer have Pharisees nagging at us to eat only clean animals or wear only certain fabrics as prescribed in Mosaic law, but we do have a world that is telling us how to be politically correct and how we should be unoffensive to everyone, even when we stand blatantly against them (which is also taboo, by the way). They even tell us that we have to have a plan for our lives, that we need to know what we're doing long before we do it. And oftentimes, if that plan doesn't include the pursuit of riches or success, they will tell you you're stupid and you'll never amount to anything.
In the reality of God's plan for my life, though, I only know what I'm doing right now. I am a student. I am studying psychology, Spanish and TESOL, and as long as God has me on this path, I will give each of my classes all that I have. I don't know why God has me on so many seemingly different paths, but one of these days, I'll reach a crossroads where all of them meet and it will (hopefully) all make sense.
I am a friend, a daughter and a sister. Some things will never change. God gave me my family as a means of support, but sometimes their roles in my life will change. I guess we both have to learn how to cope with that one. As for my friends, some of them I just intuitively know will always be there, even if I don't hear from them as often as I'd like.
I'm an employee. As much as I don't understand why God has me working at Walgreens, He has yet to release me from it, so I'm just assuming there's a reason for me to be where I am.
In everything, though, God knows my every need, and He will provide like He always has.
Yes, it is very disconcerting to me to think that I am not really sure in what state or even what country I will be in a year and a half from now. But I know that God has the plan, and He can see the road beyond the bumps of this semester and beyond the curve of graduation next year. He knows me better than I know myself, and I need to trust Him, no matter what the laws and the physical situation around me are saying.
It's kind of like floating. It scares me to rely on something so seemingly unstable for total support. But you have to learn to float before you can swim. It doesn't make sense and sometimes I don't think I'm capable of doing it, but the more I trust, the more I find that all things are indeed possible.
In the meantime, I'll keep living one day at a time and dreaming of the plans that God has for me. And hopefully, there will be no more snakes or strange alien life forms.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Ten things I've learned over break (and other miscellaneous musings)
10. Flying is quite an adventure. The first week of break, I stepped foot on a plane for the first time ever with my friend Andrea, bound for Massachusetts (more on that later). I learned that vertigo is no fun, but when the song "Vertigo" starts playing while you're experiencing vertigo, the situation is quite humorous. My solution to flying: sleep it off. And the free in-flight ginger ale works wonders, too (thanks, Cameron).
9. Working retail on Christmas makes one feel dirty. Anyone who talked to me the week before and the day of Christmas knows that I took being away from my family for the sake of running a cash register. I was actually quite bitter about the whole situation (and cried multiple times about it). I've decided that I never want to work retail on Christmas again. No amount of money is worth it. And people need to be with their families anyways, not checking to see if our Christmas cards are on sale yet.
8. Snow has a tendency to perfect every occasion I love snow. It's a bit of a quandary for me, seeing as how I tend to have no ability to stay warm in cold situations, but I'm slowly learning to adapt and overcome that small problem. Snow is, quite literally, the icing on the cake for me. It's almost as if for a moment one can forget the dead and dying grass that lies below and just enjoy the pristine beauty that is encompassed in a snowy day.
7. New England looks just like the postcards. Speaking of snow, I thought those picturesque "picture prints by Currier and Ives" were really just part of the song, not real life! I saw 14 inches of snow on the ground, made a snowlady who was almost as tall as I am and even jumped into a snowbank! Visiting Massachusetts was a true learning experience, and it is something I will not forget for a very, very long time. Thanks, Andrea, for sharing your home!
6. Even if the movie isn't that impressive, the soundtrack could still be gold. This is the case with New Moon. I was actually fairly disappointed with the movie. (Made from my least favorite book in the Twilight series anyways, it really didn't stand a chance, I don't think.) I was actually very skeptical about the soundtrack, too, since Carter Burwell was no longer composing the score. I've actually found myself liking it more and more, though. Deathcab's "Meet Me on the Equinox" is swiftly becoming my favorite, while the driving piano in "New Moon (The Meadow)" had me quite aurally captivated when I first heard it. Even the remix of "I Belong to You" was to my musical liking. That just goes to show you: don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. And don't write off every aspect of a production; read the fine print, too.
5. The "real world" just isn't worth the paycheck they give you. For all the long hours, cardboard cuts, heavy lifting, difficult customers and, above all, time missed with loved ones on account of going to work, it's not worth the paycheck that comes in. Yes, I have to have money to live in this world. But money and I are no good for each other. We just don't like each other at all. So why should I do anything for it? Ah the cruelty of life in this world! This is why I'm going to school. If I have to work for a paycheck, I'm going to at least do something I love.
4. It's the small things in life that really matter. Yes, I hate my job. But I can't say it's given me nothing but grief. Walgreens has afforded me some great opportunities to truly help people. From translating for the Hispanic patrons who come through the doors to helping customers find what they're looking for, it's nice to know you made a difference in someone's life. And one meets some of the strangest people. For example, on Christmas Day, a lady came through my line who had been alone all day because her mother was in the nursing home and her boyfriend was...well, he was with his wife. The lady just looked at me calmly and said, "I know, I'm horrible." Strange, indeed.
3. Sometimes you really just have to let go. It's amazing how simple this idea is, yet how reticent I am to enacting it in my own life. It's something I'm working on. When God tells me it's time to let go, I need to trust that if whatever it is is really supposed to be in my life, I don't have to hold onto it to keep it there. And some things are just better left on the highway in the rearview mirror. It's painful; sometimes you don't feel like there's any resolution. But sometimes that's just how it has to be.
2. I get by with a little help from my friends. Simply put, without mis amigos, I would drive myself crazy. I am very thankful that God has allowed my path to cross the paths of so many wonderful people and that He has seen fit that they would be with me through thick and thin. It's been an amazing journey, and I couldn't imagine it without my friends.
1. Nothing takes God by surprise. This is a lesson that wasn't learned over break; it was just proven to me time and again as it always is and always will be. Through the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, the understandable and the incomprehensible, one thing remains constant: God knows what we're going through, and He will never leave us nor forsake us. His infathomable love washes over even the greatest of disappointments and His intoxicating joy moves in our lives as the basis of every surge of felicitation. He is the everlasting King, and He guides each of our lives. We are where we are because He has a plan. We may not see the big picture, but we must learn to unconditionally trust the Creator of this magnificent work of art.
And finally, something that I keep going back to: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." Proverbs 13:12.
May all your lives be filled with life and joy as your dreams come true in 2010 and in the years to come.
9. Working retail on Christmas makes one feel dirty. Anyone who talked to me the week before and the day of Christmas knows that I took being away from my family for the sake of running a cash register. I was actually quite bitter about the whole situation (and cried multiple times about it). I've decided that I never want to work retail on Christmas again. No amount of money is worth it. And people need to be with their families anyways, not checking to see if our Christmas cards are on sale yet.
8. Snow has a tendency to perfect every occasion I love snow. It's a bit of a quandary for me, seeing as how I tend to have no ability to stay warm in cold situations, but I'm slowly learning to adapt and overcome that small problem. Snow is, quite literally, the icing on the cake for me. It's almost as if for a moment one can forget the dead and dying grass that lies below and just enjoy the pristine beauty that is encompassed in a snowy day.
7. New England looks just like the postcards. Speaking of snow, I thought those picturesque "picture prints by Currier and Ives" were really just part of the song, not real life! I saw 14 inches of snow on the ground, made a snowlady who was almost as tall as I am and even jumped into a snowbank! Visiting Massachusetts was a true learning experience, and it is something I will not forget for a very, very long time. Thanks, Andrea, for sharing your home!
6. Even if the movie isn't that impressive, the soundtrack could still be gold. This is the case with New Moon. I was actually fairly disappointed with the movie. (Made from my least favorite book in the Twilight series anyways, it really didn't stand a chance, I don't think.) I was actually very skeptical about the soundtrack, too, since Carter Burwell was no longer composing the score. I've actually found myself liking it more and more, though. Deathcab's "Meet Me on the Equinox" is swiftly becoming my favorite, while the driving piano in "New Moon (The Meadow)" had me quite aurally captivated when I first heard it. Even the remix of "I Belong to You" was to my musical liking. That just goes to show you: don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. And don't write off every aspect of a production; read the fine print, too.
5. The "real world" just isn't worth the paycheck they give you. For all the long hours, cardboard cuts, heavy lifting, difficult customers and, above all, time missed with loved ones on account of going to work, it's not worth the paycheck that comes in. Yes, I have to have money to live in this world. But money and I are no good for each other. We just don't like each other at all. So why should I do anything for it? Ah the cruelty of life in this world! This is why I'm going to school. If I have to work for a paycheck, I'm going to at least do something I love.
4. It's the small things in life that really matter. Yes, I hate my job. But I can't say it's given me nothing but grief. Walgreens has afforded me some great opportunities to truly help people. From translating for the Hispanic patrons who come through the doors to helping customers find what they're looking for, it's nice to know you made a difference in someone's life. And one meets some of the strangest people. For example, on Christmas Day, a lady came through my line who had been alone all day because her mother was in the nursing home and her boyfriend was...well, he was with his wife. The lady just looked at me calmly and said, "I know, I'm horrible." Strange, indeed.
3. Sometimes you really just have to let go. It's amazing how simple this idea is, yet how reticent I am to enacting it in my own life. It's something I'm working on. When God tells me it's time to let go, I need to trust that if whatever it is is really supposed to be in my life, I don't have to hold onto it to keep it there. And some things are just better left on the highway in the rearview mirror. It's painful; sometimes you don't feel like there's any resolution. But sometimes that's just how it has to be.
2. I get by with a little help from my friends. Simply put, without mis amigos, I would drive myself crazy. I am very thankful that God has allowed my path to cross the paths of so many wonderful people and that He has seen fit that they would be with me through thick and thin. It's been an amazing journey, and I couldn't imagine it without my friends.
1. Nothing takes God by surprise. This is a lesson that wasn't learned over break; it was just proven to me time and again as it always is and always will be. Through the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, the understandable and the incomprehensible, one thing remains constant: God knows what we're going through, and He will never leave us nor forsake us. His infathomable love washes over even the greatest of disappointments and His intoxicating joy moves in our lives as the basis of every surge of felicitation. He is the everlasting King, and He guides each of our lives. We are where we are because He has a plan. We may not see the big picture, but we must learn to unconditionally trust the Creator of this magnificent work of art.
And finally, something that I keep going back to: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." Proverbs 13:12.
May all your lives be filled with life and joy as your dreams come true in 2010 and in the years to come.
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