Thursday, December 2, 2010

Theories of Counseling meets Morgan Freeman

I have reached a whole new level of nerdiness on this the first day of final exams.

After a very late night of studying and eventual insanity with my roommates, I woke up this morning to finish studying for my first exam: Theories of Counseling.

Whilst I was getting ready for my day, I had a particularly poignant revelation about Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (which means nothing to most, I'm sure, but it was a big deal to me). I was so excited about the potential of writing an essay on this topic that I was actually beaming as I walked to my exam.

Imagine my complete and total disappointment upon discovering that the essay portion would be covering either feminist or postmodern therapy. Now, don't  get me wrong, I actually have nothing against these models, and I did well on my postmodern explanation, but oh the disappointment.

Then I came to the realization at how nerdy I had truly become: I was upset because my favorite essay question wasn't on the exam. Wow. I had to suppress laughter at myself.

Since I didn't get to share my wondrous epiphany on my exam, though, would you like to hear it?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

"This our hymn of grateful praise..."

I know that Thanksgiving is technically behind us now,but I feel like every day is a good day to learn the true meaning of thankfulness. Today, I've been reflecting on how that lesson can be learned and applied in my current life.

I've been thinking lately about attitudes and how they affect our interactions with those around us. More importantly, I've been reflecting on how sometimes I do not choose to have the most gracious attitude with people because of the physical pain that I've experienced of late in my own life. I sometimes translate that pain into my interpersonal relationships, which is completely unfair and altogether not Christ-like.

In order to truly explain this lesson, though, and how I am learning it, I'll need to tell the story of my current life as it pertains to this post.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

There's no place like home...

Have you ever had one of those days that is going so perfectly that you can't believe how wonderful it really is?

Well, this is the story of the other shoe dropping on one of those days.

Friday, Nov. 12, was honestly a great day. I had officially finished my practicum observation hours in TESOL, worked on homework, attended a great class discussion in Spanish with our guest speaker and discovered that I had a paycheck in my mailbox, all before 2 p.m. I found myself walking back to my apartment after class wondering how the day could possibly be any better!

In hindsight, I sometimes laugh at my own optimism.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

If I could turn back time...

Have you ever wanted to just turn the clock back on a portion of your life? You know, hit the rewind button and record over that mistake you made or that word you said in anger?

Sadly the closest thing to turning back time that I've ever been able to accomplish comes once a year when the world returns to normal and Daylight Savings Time ends. Ironically and perfectly enough, that time is tonight (at least in the USA, that is). I'm actually typing this in anticipation of seeing whether I need to manually reset my cell phone clock or if it will handle the change on its own (as so much technology seems to do lately...who needs humans anymore? But that's a completely different topic).

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Speaking of things I haven't done this semester...

I've had quite an adventure over the past few months, that great adventure called "senior year".

Thus far, I have experienced probably every feeling possible on the spectrum of human emotion and have been stretched physically, mentally and emotionally more than I ever thought possible in a three month period.

Here at the climax of my final fall semester as an undergraduate, I find myself in a calm before a storm. Within the next week, I am expecting e-mails, phone calls and professional opinions that will directly decide what my experiences of the next 6 months will be, which will then ultimately snowball into my post-grad life.

The atmosphere is charged with anticipation as I watch and wait for decisions to be made and information to surface that will allow me to continue in the decision-making process that will determine my future, both next semester and after graduation.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Sunglasses in the rain

A rainstorm is the last place one thinks about seeing illumination, but the impossibility of this idea was disproven to me the other day.

I was driving on the interstate, Murfreesboro-bound, after a long day at work, when I ran into a torrential downpour. Insistent to reach my destination, I pushed on, though at a much slower rate than the 70 mph speed limit.

The further I drove through the storm, the more the clouds began to change. Little by little, they lightened from a blackish-grey to a lighter and lighter gray. Eventually I could see beams of sunshine breaking through the clouds.

But the rain never ceased. It became lighter at points, but not once was I able to turn my windshield wipers off. In spite of this, I soon found myself reaching for my sunglasses. What a silly notion, wearing sunglasses in the rain!

And yet the brilliance of the light reflecting against the rain made those shades so necessary to drive safely.

Isn't this like life sometimes? We complain about going through storms and torrential downpours unaware that the potential for brilliance at the end of it all is magnified by that rain that we so often curse. After all, how do you think rainbows are formed?

I think next time I'm going through a storm, I'm not going to curse the rain. I'm going to wonder how God is going to use it to completely light up my life.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Stories. We've all got 'em.

Upon learning that I would be returning to work the day after our flight back from Argentina, a fellow student on the trip made an observation that I have been reflecting on for the past few days: we never can fully know the stories of the everyday people with which we come into contact.

Who knows if the store clerk has just returned from a wonderful adventure? Who knows what is happening in the lives of the people we pass on the street?

Working behind a cash register gives me a chance to talk to some people that I would otherwise probably have never noticed. Just in the past few days, some amazing characters have come through my line.

One old man purchased a cart full of items and could remember the exact price of every item he placed on my counter. I wonder what his story is.

One woman was buying sunless tanner for her husband, who was preparing to embark on a trip to Pakistan with another man from their church. He was changing his entire appearance in order to blend into the culture. I wonder what their story is.

One man had an amputated arm. Another was missing multiple fingers. I wonder what their stories are.

Another lady bought five or six large bags of M&Ms, each a different kind. Upon further questioning, I found out that she was using them in a team building exercise, comparing different personality types to different kinds of M&Ms. What a neat story!

The stories are endless. Everybody has a story. I wish I could listen to them all.

A list of firsts

From living a month in Buenos Aires, I've experience my:

*First transcontinental plane ride.
*First overnight plane ride.
*First time being in a country whose primary language isn't English.
*First use of my passport.
*First time in a city of millions of people.
*First subway ride.
*First public bus ride.
*First taxi ride.
*First time negotiating a sale in Spanish.
*First time learning a new Spanish dialect.
*First experience with street entertainers (I love mimes!).
*First time seeing a store that's open 25 hours.
*First drink of mate (an herbal tea traditional to Argentina).
*First use of a metal straw (to drink hot tea, of all things).
*First time making empanadas and tortas fritas.
*First taste of dulce de leche ice cream (my taste buds will never be the same).
*First tour of a futbol stadium.
*First excitement about futbol (Thanks to the World Cup!).
*First visit to a ranch.
*First horseback riding experience.
*First taste of wine (or any kind of alcohol...it was gross).
*First tango lesson (Argentine tango, different than what they taught us in the US!).
*First sighting of a live armadillo! Granted, it was in a cage.
*First taste of cow intestines (chinchulines).
*First time in my life I actually wanted less meat and more vegetables.
*First tango show.
*First salsa lessons.
*First night in a club.
*First tour of a basilica.
*First time watching a dog fight break out in a cathedral.
*First play viewed in Spanish.
*First pair of Toms...that aren't really Toms. Toms stole the design from Argentina.
*First true TaeKwonDo withdrawals.
*First mosh pit.
*First true "cross cultural experience," which occured in aforementioned mosh pit.
*First tour of a mosque.
*First time sending my laundry out to be done. It smells so awesome!
*First boat ride not for pleasure (across the widest river in the world, no less).
*First time eating at Hard Rock Cafe.
*First time seeing the equivalent of a Broadway show (La Bella y la Bestia)
*First time hearing Spanish spoken with French/Italian/Asian accents.
*First trip to a casino (to change money...nothing else).
...and many more, I'm sure. These are just the few that come to mind.

Lots of firsts, hopefully not many lasts.

Yep, I'd say I had a pretty productive first trip outside of the country!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Lessons from South America

Things I learned in Buenos Aires

*Subways are crowded. There are people on the subways who will gladly stick their hands in your pockets or purses if you do not stick your own hand in your own belongings as a safeguard. Also, when one cannot reach something to hold onto, using TaeKwonDo stances allows one to maintain at least a small sense of balance. Sadly, the same trick cannot be used while standing on the public bus.

*Mate is an acquired taste. I have definitely acquired it and will miss it greatly when I leave. I plan on buying one of the mate cups and taking it with me, even though the metal straw does burn my lips (yes, they drink hot tea from a metal straw). It's that awesome.

*I honestly sometimes can't resist the urge to call people "gringos." For example, when a member of the group is walking a few paces ahead of everyone else calling over their shoulder in English about things like how many dogs there are or what the buildings look like. My response: "Please quit being such a gringo!"

*People in Argentina love futbol (soccer). When Argentina plays in a World Cup game, the entire city stops. Shops close, restaurants turn on the sound to their TVs, and the population as a whole cheers for every goal, save, and good play. I personally am not a sports person in general, but being surrounded by such passion is invigorating! And the sheer energy after a win is enough to knock you off your feet (quite literally if you get close enough to the inevitable mosh pit)!

*There is no true stereotype that fits every single taxi driver. Every single taxi that I have been in has been different from the others, in either good or bad ways. I actually have a new appreciation for taxi drivers. They have to put up with sour natives and sometimes idiotic gringos tourists on a daily basis. Also, if a story begins "This one time when I was in a taxi cab," ten-to-one it's a story worth listening to.

*Don't take the bare minimum amount of money suggested by the trip leader. Eating out everyday (plus not being able to drink tap water) makes providing for oneself slightly more expensive than normal. Thankfully, I saved up enough to hopefully be able to feed myself and still buy some cool stuff while I'm here. (And everyone who wanted a souvenir says, "Hallelujah!")

*Knowing the words of a language isn't enough. To really thrive in a culture, you have to know every aspect of the culture. You have to know the meanings behind the utterances, not just the denotative superfluities that you can learn in a textbook. Yes, the language allows for a bridge of communication, but without knowledge of the traditions and passions of a people, don't expect to ever truly understand the complete language.

*Being homesick and missing home are two completely different things. I can miss the people back in Tennessee and still love every moment of the place where I'm at. Yes, I wish they were here with me, but my life at that time may dictate that I be away from them. And my life continues in spite of their absence. I used to rely on the presence of certain people to truly complete my life...and I got hurt pretty badly because of that. As much as I love the people in my life, they're not always going to be able to be there, but they're with me in my heart, and that's what really matters.

*PDA on the streets of Buenos Aires is almost as frequent as the dog poop on the sidewalks (and let me tell you, there is a lot of caca in this city!). Honestly, I have mixed emotions about this. The first is disgust because that's how I was raised to react. The second is a little bit of jealousy because, yeah, I'm definitely single as single gets. The third, though, is the one that I choose to contemplate: the idea that I'm in a culture where showing love(whether by making out with someone on a park bench or greeting everyone with a kiss on the cheek) is not a taboo . I wonder if their divorce rate is lower here...

*There will forever be a fight between the city and country in me. Having lived in the country my whole life, I dreamed of living in the city with all the hustle and bustle of the "fast lane." I loved visiting Nashville and Chattanooga, and moving away to college has been an awesome experience. Now, having lived in Buenos Aires for a month, I can see both the pros and cons of the city life. I love the convenience of hopping on the subway or taking a taxi to hundreds of beautiful and historic places or being able to just people-watch in the shopping district when I lack something to do. At the same time though, I have a new appreciation for country life, as well: clean air, wide open spaces and roads that I actually feel safe driving, to name a few. I've concluded that no matter where I live, a part of me will just have to compromise.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Wallflowers are pretty, too...

Have you ever felt so completely out of place that it made you want to cry?

Have you ever been the only one in the group to not receive a compliment on your appearance?

Have you ever been that one girl whose dress came down to her knees and actually had sleeves?

That was me the other night.

I already know that I'm not the most beautiful thing to grace the surface of the earth. I know that I'm quite honestly not that pretty by American standards: I'm "plus-sized," I don't have much of a chest, I refuse to fry my hair to get it perfectly coiffed, I don't wear three tons of makeup, and I'm not too keen on the latest styles and trends (especially the whole leggings as pants thing, but that's a whole other topic). I've slowly decided that the only redeeming quality I possess is my eye color.

Basically, I'm not the American beauty. Never have been. Never will be. And I've known that for a long time now.

So why does it still bother me when I have to go out with a group of "normal" people? Why do I still feel the need to compare myself with those around me? It's a curse of the human mind, and I absolutely hate it.

Here I was, in Buenos Aires, Argentina, about to go to a professional tango show and have a wonderful night, and I was worried about how I looked compared to other people.

I slowly realized reasons as to why I can't compare myself to other people, starting with the things that really shouldn't matter (such as how a size 16 can't compare to a size 2...) and ending where it should have started: God's love.

God honestly doesn't care what I look like or how big I am. He doesn't care if my hair is frizzy or my face is broken out. He loves me anyways, so much so that He thinks I'm worth dying for! He loves me enough to want to spend eternity with me. He loves me so much that nothing in this world is big enough to separate me from His love. And I'm worried about what the girls down the hall think?

In the big picture, physical appearance really doesn't bear much weight at all, does it?

I'd like to say that I'm never going to worry about what I see in the mirror again, but the reality is this struggle isn't over. Because I'm human. It's one of those things that I have to daily crucify in order to focus more and more on Jesus every single moment of my life.

No, I'm not going to be a slob. I'm not going to stop wearing makeup completely and never comb my hair in an effort to completely divorce myself from the stigma of society. That's just kinda stupid.

What I am going to do, though, is stop comparing myself to those around me: the styles they wear, their personal expectations of beauty, their opinions about what I should be doing. They don't matter. Yes, if I ask for your opinion about how I look, I want a genuine response. But I'm going to attempt to let myself get continuously bogged down by the comparisons that my own mind loves to make.

I'm a wallflower. I'm not really much to look at. But I'm pretty, too, in my own special way...because God loves me. I'm His princess, and He never lets me forget it.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Let the travelogue begin...

Though I had previously only posted on this blog very sporadically, I feel like now of all times, when something amazing is actually happening in my life, would be the time to insert small bits of reflections into this blog, my technological memory.

As previously stated, I'm in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I honestly don't think it's completely sunk in yet. My friends and family are on the other side of the equator. Wow. The thought kind of makes me feel like I'm standing upside down or something...

I've realized in the last 24 hours that the most valuable lessons that I will learn on this trip will not be in the classroom (even though I have already learned so much from our professor Amalia). The life experience that I gain here will be invaluable to me in the future.

It seems strange to say it, but I really don't feel like I'm away from home. Perhaps traveling is in my DNA. Perhaps Buenos Aires is just awesome like that. Or perhaps I just have the peace of God in knowing that I'm still under His watchful eye. Whatever the reason, I don't feel guilty or bad when I stumble through my words or have to repeat and explain myself in my second language. It's a growing process, but I'm enjoying it greatly!

I think, if anything, this month and all of its new experiences will help me to determine my next steps after graduation in May 2011, whether to teach English in a foreign country or go to grad school in the US. If I adapt well, teaching English is looking more and more like a viable possibility that I would absolutely love (though I don't look forward to all the "I told you she was gonna be an English teacher" comments).

So far, so good.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Musings of a Wide-Eyed Traveler

Yesterday I said goodbye to the green corn fields, abundant Queen Anne's lace and humid sunny afternoons of Tennessee. I crossed paths with the setting sun in Atlanta, Georgia, and when we met again, I was landing in South America.

I write to you tonight from a hotel in Buenos Aires, Argentina, where I and 24 other Lee students will be living and studying for the next month.

The city is very much different from what I am used to, but it vaguely reminds me of Nashville. Keyword: vaguely.

There are trees lining the streets, and many of the apartment balconies are also bejeweled with green vines and flowers. It's slowly changing to winter here, so the leaves outside my window are all turning shades of brilliant orange. In spite of being a city of 13 million people, there is so much in the way of grass and plantlife. It makes the human life surrounding me seem that much more vibrant!

Much of the architecture has a very European style reflected in it; some of the buildings are quite gorgeous, albeit they are also quite tight fitting in the streets.

Speaking of streets, they all seem to be one-way. And there are no lines painted to differentiate the different lanes. I asked one of the guys from the seminary if that was the case all over the city, and he assures me it's not, but still...needless to say, I'm thankful to not be driving here!

I've seen beautiful buildings carved to perfection with Baroque-style ornamentation. But I've also seen homeless people curled up in the doorways of those buildings trying to get a good night's sleep.

I've seen opulent shops with the trendiest fashions from all over the world. But I've also noticed the street vendors who are probably just scratching out a living selling their wares on la Calle Florida.

Yes, traveling is wonderful, but it also makes me reflect on how blessed I am to be an American, to have grown up in a small town with a nurturing family, to know that I don't have to worry about my next meal or what happens if I get a hole in my shoes. It's nice.

And it makes me so thankful for the things that I've been given. May I soon be at a place in life where I am able to give back and provide even just some of those opportunities to others.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Love like a hurricane

I have thought many times about what the next post on this blog should be, and I apologize for being away for so long, but I think everything that I almost wrote in the past couple of months has culminated into what I hope to convey tonight.

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything that has happened in the past few hours, days, even weeks just crashes down like a rogue tsunami and leaves you standing in what once was a peaceful existence? Tonight my tsunami hit.

I'm not going to go into a rant about what has been happening in my life or what I hypothesize is the cause of my sudden emotional and mental turmoil. I choose rather to simply tell you what I feel in my inner-most being.

No matter what just happened to me, no matter how over my head I feel I have been plunged, no matter how much pain I endure as a result, God is still in control. And He knows what He is doing. And I don't.

"Why would God intentionally hurt you?" you ask. You know, I don't really know that, either. But I do know that He promised to walk beside me no matter what storms came my way. And I know that He had a plan for me before I was born into this world, where He said that we would have troubles.

I can't change what is happening around me, but I can change my attitude about what is happening. About an hour ago, I was honestly on the brink of panicking and heading for the hills, but that wouldn't have solved anything, now would it? I would have come back from my little hiatus and still had a knot to untangle. Repressing and ignoring the problem doesn't help; just ask all the adults in therapy unraveling their childhood problems.

So I can't change it, I can't run from it, and I can't handle it by myself. That leaves me with one option (the one I should have chosen to begin with, by the way): I have to trust God.

Easier said than done, you smirk. Yes, yes it is, but it's the only way that I will come through this alive and better than I was when I went in. And I will gladly give God the glory for what is about to happen in my life. Because whatever it is, someone (*cough*devil*cough*) really doesn't want whatever it is to take place.

My father sings a song that says, "Sometimes He calms the storm, other times He calms the child." And I know that sometimes God chooses to calm me when I want Him to calm the storm. Sometimes I even resist His peace in my life because I don't see the change that I want to see.

But even as I write this, I can feel His peace beginning to calm me and soothe the agitated waters of my mind. An hour ago, I didn't think I was going to be able to sleep tonight. But, as my friends in EVS so often said, "The devil is a liar!"

I promised to keep this simple, so I'll wrap up my wandering thoughts with one final reflection.

This entire week, I have been fixated on the song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan (though I listen to the David Crowder version, personally). For those who haven't heard the song, the first few lines of the song says, "He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy."

I now feel like I understand what it means to love like a hurricane. I have reflected previously about the purging quality of wind, and if any kind of storm has wind, it is the hurricane of God's love. The past few months have been a build-up for this, the wall of the eye, the greatest force of wind imaginable. The true and unshackled love of God.

No, I don't understand it all. But I do feel like the things that have been blown out of my life by this recent wind were things that God knew I didn't need to cling to any longer. I have to let go of everything around me before I can truly embrace God's love. And now I sit in the eye of the storm, the calm of the storm, leaning against my Saviour as He bolsters me for the second half of the storm, the rest of the trial that will teach me about the greatness of my God.

It is only through storms that we can grow. But God is in the wall of the storm as much as He is in the still small voice in the calm.

So I bolster myself, "with arms high and heart abandoned," to face the rest of this storm that will cleanse my mind and purge my life of what needs to be eradicated.

I can't wait to see what God is doing here.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Transitions

Recently, a professor of mine used Joshua 1:9 as a devotional at the beginning of class. What she had to say about the verse really stuck with me, and I'd like to share it, along with some of my other reflections based around the ideas therein.

As the devotion was originally shared in Spanish (and I assume that most people who read this are native English speakers), I'll do my best to translate the full meaning of the original devotional thought.


I've been dealing with a lot of transitions in my life lately, both present and impending, so when my professor reminded me of one of the greatest transitions in the history of the Israelites, I couldn't help but find peace in what I learned about how God handles the tough times in our lives.

In Joshua 1:9, God is speaking to Joshua, the brand new leader of Israel and the man who is supposed to lead the children of Israel into the promised land. Having spent years as an assistant to Moses, being tossed into the spotlight must have been a frightening thing for Joshua.

Twice before this verse, the Lord admonishes Joshua to "be strong" and "very courageous." The verse in question, though, sums up nicely everything that the Lord had to say to the new young leader.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

God takes this opportunity to bolster Joshua by reminding him that He will be with him wherever he goes. While the idea of God being present through all our trials is indeed key, that is not what stood out to me (nor to my professor when she presented this verse).

God did not label Himself as "the God of Moses" or "the God of your forefathers." He specifically said, "I am YOUR God, Joshua." It's as if God truly wanted him to understand that he was chosen and that he wasn't just walking in someone else's faith.

God chose Joshua; now all Joshua had to do was choose God. Joshua could have chosen to not be the kind of assertive leader God had called him to be. He was quite a young man, and I imagine that some of the people (especially the elders in the tribes) probably had a real issue with his appointment to leadership, even if the Lord did command it.

Not to mention that Joshua was going into a very unfamiliar situation. All the reports of the land in front of him showed that it was indeed hostile territory and that a war was basically inevitable.

All I can think is how hard it must have been to really hear God say, "Be strong and courageous" when such a daunting task loomed in the future.

Though in my mind I picture Joshua to be a much greater warrior and confident leader than Gideon was in the book of Judges, I still get the impression that he still had his doubts, perhaps not on God's ability, but possibly on his own.

But how can one be discouraged when even the Lord is telling you, "Hey! You've got this! Be strong! Be courageous!"

In the same way, I feel like God is calling to us as he did to Joshua in that time of great transition in his life: "You're my child! I'm your God! With Me, all things are possible! I won't give you a task that My grace cannot provide you strength to complete!"

The thing that stood out to me most about this verse, though, is that it wasn't a suggestion. It was a command. Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. Be strong. Be courageous.

That being said, to be afraid and dismayed about the future is to be in direct disobedience to God. To even lose our courage is not following God's command. It gives me a whole new reason to quit looking at what I can't do and look at what God is doing through me.

And why can we leave fear behind and embrace the courage we need to face the battles of life? Because our God is with us. Always.

May I never cease to praise Him for His lovingkindness and His marvelous presence in my life! In the light of His goodness and grace, how can the troubles of this world compare?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I Dreamed a Dream in Time Gone By...

Recently, I had two very perplexing dreams that caused me to pause and ponder the nature of dreams and what we can really gain from them.

I know that dreams are (thought to be) outlets through which our brains process information that is daily crammed into our minds. Each tiny detail of every day is recorded, and sleep is a time to file away in an organized manner the memories and cues that have been acquired during our daily rituals and experiences. Sometimes, though, I think we can learn an abundance from the dreams that are a result of the filing system that God designed for each of our unique brains. Our dreams are a way for our brains to get our attention, to take a situation and put it in terms that grab our attention and spell out what is really going on when perhaps we don't want to admit it.

For example, over the course of two nights in the past week, I had two very strange dreams that separately make entirely no sense. In the first, I was outdoors with my family when I startled a snake who had coiled up with a garden hose in the yard. The snake then proceeded to chase me and bite me. When I tried to get help at the local hospital, I was simply handed a stack of paperwork and told that they'd get to me eventually.

The second dream was more bizarre: I was working in a show with a group of blue aliens (yes, I blame Avatar for this). Suddenly, my father (not my actual dad; I seriously felt like I was in a movie) grabs me up and we start running for our lives. I figure out as the dream unfolds that apparently my father in the dream is an alien who had learned to morph into human form, thereby making me half alien. That did not make the traditional aliens very happy. I could never tell if they wanted to kill me or study me, but either way, I did not think it would be a great experience.

After that second dream, I began to wonder if consuming sugar right before bedtime was the culprit of the strangeness of my dreams (but that's a different story). I couldn't get the imagery out of my head, and finally a commonality in the two dreams presented itself to me. In both, I was running from something of which I am deathly afraid (yes, I am afraid of aliens. As a child, I was terrified of ET. True story).

I started trying to apply that to the actual events of my life and realized that, once again, my subconscience was right. For the past month, I have been so afraid of what the future holds for me: finishing undergrad in only three more semesters, grad school possibilities, career possibilities, where to go, who to see, friends to gain and lose, just an overall anxiety about what was going to happen.

I'm not always an anxious person, but every once in a while I do freak out. It's like that feeling I get when I'm floating; I'm calm and enjoying the water, then suddenly every nerve in my body jumps to attention because relying on water for stability just doesn't make sense. I literally lose the ability to float simply because my body doesn't trust the water.

In life, it's basically the same thing with God. I need to rely totally on His plan for my life, but occasionally I start to overthink things and realize that there are way too many blank holes in the plan for it to be feasibly trusted. Every neuron fires in revolt of following such an incomplete plan and I have a viable mutiny between my brain and my faith. (Sometimes being an intellectual really has its downfalls. Childlike faith becomes a true task to achieve.)

In times like that I have to literally just stop and listen to God call to me as He did to Israel in Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God."

I've been reading lately about God's promise to us and how we are children of promise and not children of the law (see Galatians for Paul's explanation on the thought). Though Paul was talking about the Hebrew law, I began to reflect on how that writing applies to us today. We as Christians no longer have Pharisees nagging at us to eat only clean animals or wear only certain fabrics as prescribed in Mosaic law, but we do have a world that is telling us how to be politically correct and how we should be unoffensive to everyone, even when we stand blatantly against them (which is also taboo, by the way). They even tell us that we have to have a plan for our lives, that we need to know what we're doing long before we do it. And oftentimes, if that plan doesn't include the pursuit of riches or success, they will tell you you're stupid and you'll never amount to anything.

In the reality of God's plan for my life, though, I only know what I'm doing right now. I am a student. I am studying psychology, Spanish and TESOL, and as long as God has me on this path, I will give each of my classes all that I have. I don't know why God has me on so many seemingly different paths, but one of these days, I'll reach a crossroads where all of them meet and it will (hopefully) all make sense.

I am a friend, a daughter and a sister. Some things will never change. God gave me my family as a means of support, but sometimes their roles in my life will change. I guess we both have to learn how to cope with that one. As for my friends, some of them I just intuitively know will always be there, even if I don't hear from them as often as I'd like.

I'm an employee. As much as I don't understand why God has me working at Walgreens, He has yet to release me from it, so I'm just assuming there's a reason for me to be where I am.

In everything, though, God knows my every need, and He will provide like He always has.

Yes, it is very disconcerting to me to think that I am not really sure in what state or even what country I will be in a year and a half from now. But I know that God has the plan, and He can see the road beyond the bumps of this semester and beyond the curve of graduation next year. He knows me better than I know myself, and I need to trust Him, no matter what the laws and the physical situation around me are saying.

It's kind of like floating. It scares me to rely on something so seemingly unstable for total support. But you have to learn to float before you can swim. It doesn't make sense and sometimes I don't think I'm capable of doing it, but the more I trust, the more I find that all things are indeed possible.

In the meantime, I'll keep living one day at a time and dreaming of the plans that God has for me. And hopefully, there will be no more snakes or strange alien life forms.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Ten things I've learned over break (and other miscellaneous musings)

10. Flying is quite an adventure. The first week of break, I stepped foot on a plane for the first time ever with my friend Andrea, bound for Massachusetts (more on that later). I learned that vertigo is no fun, but when the song "Vertigo" starts playing while you're experiencing vertigo, the situation is quite humorous. My solution to flying: sleep it off. And the free in-flight ginger ale works wonders, too (thanks, Cameron).

9. Working retail on Christmas makes one feel dirty. Anyone who talked to me the week before and the day of Christmas knows that I took being away from my family for the sake of running a cash register. I was actually quite bitter about the whole situation (and cried multiple times about it). I've decided that I never want to work retail on Christmas again. No amount of money is worth it. And people need to be with their families anyways, not checking to see if our Christmas cards are on sale yet.

8. Snow has a tendency to perfect every occasion I love snow. It's a bit of a quandary for me, seeing as how I tend to have no ability to stay warm in cold situations, but I'm slowly learning to adapt and overcome that small problem. Snow is, quite literally, the icing on the cake for me. It's almost as if for a moment one can forget the dead and dying grass that lies below and just enjoy the pristine beauty that is encompassed in a snowy day.

7. New England looks just like the postcards. Speaking of snow, I thought those picturesque "picture prints by Currier and Ives" were really just part of the song, not real life! I saw 14 inches of snow on the ground, made a snowlady who was almost as tall as I am and even jumped into a snowbank! Visiting Massachusetts was a true learning experience, and it is something I will not forget for a very, very long time. Thanks, Andrea, for sharing your home!

6. Even if the movie isn't that impressive, the soundtrack could still be gold. This is the case with New Moon. I was actually fairly disappointed with the movie. (Made from my least favorite book in the Twilight series anyways, it really didn't stand a chance, I don't think.) I was actually very skeptical about the soundtrack, too, since Carter Burwell was no longer composing the score. I've actually found myself liking it more and more, though. Deathcab's "Meet Me on the Equinox" is swiftly becoming my favorite, while the driving piano in "New Moon (The Meadow)" had me quite aurally captivated when I first heard it. Even the remix of "I Belong to You" was to my musical liking. That just goes to show you: don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. And don't write off every aspect of a production; read the fine print, too.

5. The "real world" just isn't worth the paycheck they give you. For all the long hours, cardboard cuts, heavy lifting, difficult customers and, above all, time missed with loved ones on account of going to work, it's not worth the paycheck that comes in. Yes, I have to have money to live in this world. But money and I are no good for each other. We just don't like each other at all. So why should I do anything for it? Ah the cruelty of life in this world! This is why I'm going to school. If I have to work for a paycheck, I'm going to at least do something I love.

4. It's the small things in life that really matter. Yes, I hate my job. But I can't say it's given me nothing but grief. Walgreens has afforded me some great opportunities to truly help people. From translating for the Hispanic patrons who come through the doors to helping customers find what they're looking for, it's nice to know you made a difference in someone's life. And one meets some of the strangest people. For example, on Christmas Day, a lady came through my line who had been alone all day because her mother was in the nursing home and her boyfriend was...well, he was with his wife. The lady just looked at me calmly and said, "I know, I'm horrible." Strange, indeed.

3. Sometimes you really just have to let go. It's amazing how simple this idea is, yet how reticent I am to enacting it in my own life. It's something I'm working on. When God tells me it's time to let go, I need to trust that if whatever it is is really supposed to be in my life, I don't have to hold onto it to keep it there. And some things are just better left on the highway in the rearview mirror. It's painful; sometimes you don't feel like there's any resolution. But sometimes that's just how it has to be.

2. I get by with a little help from my friends. Simply put, without mis amigos, I would drive myself crazy. I am very thankful that God has allowed my path to cross the paths of so many wonderful people and that He has seen fit that they would be with me through thick and thin. It's been an amazing journey, and I couldn't imagine it without my friends.

1. Nothing takes God by surprise. This is a lesson that wasn't learned over break; it was just proven to me time and again as it always is and always will be. Through the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, the understandable and the incomprehensible, one thing remains constant: God knows what we're going through, and He will never leave us nor forsake us. His infathomable love washes over even the greatest of disappointments and His intoxicating joy moves in our lives as the basis of every surge of felicitation. He is the everlasting King, and He guides each of our lives. We are where we are because He has a plan. We may not see the big picture, but we must learn to unconditionally trust the Creator of this magnificent work of art.

And finally, something that I keep going back to: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." Proverbs 13:12.

May all your lives be filled with life and joy as your dreams come true in 2010 and in the years to come.